I am very shy and bashful, although neither my husband nor the others notice this in bed ...
I dream of meeting a man who is serious in the sense of drinking and women.
I altered the dress at midnight to please him, but he took off it so quickly that it was not worth trying.
I am tall, slender, and men look at me, especially in bed ...
Husband, lover, casual relationships ... What can make a woman more lonely than all this?
But if Verka found out that I slept not only with her brother, but also with her husband, she would probably cease to be friends with me at all ...
He so suddenly asked about my age that I almost told the truth ...
Probably, this is hereditary with us: both grandmother and mother were all virgins.
After a stormy night with Gosha, when he left, such a void formed in my soul that I ate a whole pot of soup.
It’s not my fault that I am the most beautiful in the classroom and everyone sleeps only with me.
Cosmetics always save me. I made up and looked like a woman.
If he had offered me this twenty years ago, I would have given him a slap in the face, ten years ago I would have been delighted, but then I did not know what to do.
At the party with Alexander, I first met with a heavy woman’s share ...
In our store, I am the youngest saleswoman, and all men try to line up for me. You have to service twice as much, but the salary is the same. This makes me different from a prostitute.
My personal vibrator quickly broke, although according to the instructions I operated it no more than 14 hours a day.
The first time I got married in order to practice before my second marriage.
You can get a lot of pleasure when you end up in bed with a stranger man. For example, when he falls asleep, you can write something with a felt-tip pen in his intimate place. That's the wife will be delighted.
When we sat at the table, I was between two Valera. They told me to make a wish. I thought, but it was not my desire that came true, but theirs.
If Sanya did not apologize then, then our relationship would come to an end. And so we extended a few more days.
I have beautiful breasts, but I want to be loved for everything else that comes with it.
The member at Valerie was very strange. According to Irka, I represented him differently.
Why does Lesha command me all the time? Undress, lie down, raise your legs. Just like a dog being trained.
We studied with him in the same class, sat at the same desk, and everything was fine with us from a sexual point of view, but when he stayed in his second year, I left him - we are too different people.
When Antosha invited me to visit, I knew that this would happen. And so it happened; I did not close my legs all night.
I spend hours looking at myself in the mirror: smart, beautiful, businesslike! In clothes, I look a little worse.
And the most annoying thing is that Igor told me: “We must leave,” on Friday night, when all my friends left for the weekend. I had to sit at home for two days, like some pensioner.
Sometimes I want someone to surrender to answer the question tormenting me: am I a virgin?
My friend and I were in London, and I realized that Russian women do not need to know English. We can all say with our eyes ...
He went to take out the garbage in slippers and with the end ...
Dilute serious everyday life with funny jokes.
OFFICEPLANKTON has compiled 35 of the best jokes that show women from the other side - from the closets from which the skeletons fall. Meet the best vulgar revelations of women from their intimate life, which we only managed to collect.
1 how, one wonders, to distinguish a decent man from a scoundrel when they all have the same thing in their minds ?! !! (woman, 33 years old).
2 having sex with a peer is just as disgusting as going to a gynecologist. Show them that, show them that .... No romance - just curiosity (student, 19 years old).
3 a man is always decent: from a decent boob to a decent cattle (woman, 30 years old).
4 I still do not understand sex, well, I had boys and men. Only six. But in sex they taught me nothing new. What my first boy showed me at the entrance when we were in the ninth grade, and that’s it. Nothing new. Boring. May already get married ... (girl, 19 years old).
5 family life is divided into two periods: before she first called her husband a goat and after ... (woman, 38 years old).
6 having sex with a virgin guy is boring and uninteresting. Like giving alms to a beggar or showing a way to a foreigner ... (girl, 22 years old).
7 I compared the American sex guide for newlyweds to the Soviet agricultural guide for raising rabbits. One and the same thing, but rabbits have fewer love poses - their paws cannot bend (female, 43 years old).
8 at 25 years old to marry the prince is too late, but for whom it was too early ...
9 my ex-sadist husband accidentally found out that when he works on the second shift, I bring my lover to our house and have sex everywhere, even sitting on a wide windowsill. He, an infection, hammered a long carnation with this tip into the windowsill ... I sat on it ... (woman, 31 years old).
11 in Indian happiness that the main thing is that there should be no misfortune. I had an affair with one decent man. Once, after good sex, I buried my face in his hairy chest and noticed a louse there. I would be foolish to keep silent, but I rushed to catch ... (woman, 32 years old).
12 I opened my eyes and accidentally noticed that this student was having sex with me without taking off his pants. Here's a bastard, I thought ... (girl, 23 years old).
13 I closed my eyes and realized: goodbye, youth! (girl, 16 years old).
14 how to check whether a guy is wearing a condom? It happens so quickly and in the dark ‚or with eyes closed ... (girl, age not specified).
15 I met a guy, but we soon broke up because I wanted a lot ... (girl, 14 years old).
16 in our village if a guy spends the night with a girl - this is normal, but if he comes a second time - this is love ... (girl, 19 years old).
17 I do not like guys who call female breasts boobs ... (girl, 18 years old).
18 I don’t believe these romantics, they even light candles to make it easier to put out ... (girl, 29 years old).
19 met by announcement with the sponsor. At first everything was fine. He showed me a hundred dollars and stayed overnight. In the morning he gave the bucks, but they were made on a copy machine. And I screeched all night for that kind of money! (woman, age not specified).
21 caught her younger ten-year-old brother with his classmate. They put on a stopwatch for a while and took off condoms ... on a rolling pin ...
(girl, 25 years old).
22 sometimes she wants to get married so much that it seems that she would marry a janitor ... (woman, 46 years old).
23 I am outraged by ads from suckers ‚looking for wealthy older women. Yes, if I had money ‚I would have bought such a seasoned male‚ but it’s better to have a fur coat ... (woman ‚30 years old).
24 I had never seen my husband’s pussy before the wedding, but in vain I would have thought: should I marry this fishing hook ... (woman, 37 years old).
25 I slept somehow out of stupidity with one “new Russian”. There was nothing in his apartment. And his toilet finished me: the first time in my life I saw a toilet with a silencer ... (woman, 35 years old).
26 he sent me in a letter a photograph of his beautiful brother, and he came to a date himself ... (girl, 16 years old).
27 my husband did not agree on a child for a long time. I took a thin needle and pierced several condoms directly through the packaging ... Now we have a wonderful boy Seryozha ... (woman, 29 years old).
28 what's the hardest thing when having sex in a hammock? That's right, the most difficult thing is to undress ... (woman, 34 years old).
30 in our village the main concern in the herd is a very preoccupied bull. Well, he would molest the cows, and he wouldn’t give the milkmaids any more ... But women in the village are not spoiled by men now, and in this whole village only this bull doesn’t drink vodka. I don’t know what it will be called scientifically, but it seems to me that this bull will get its way ... (woman, 44 years old).
31 I have been working in a commercial stall for a long time and watch men buy condoms. If she buys a pack of condoms and chocolate, she goes to her mistress, if she takes a pack of condoms and cigarettes, she goes to her wife, if she buys only condoms, she doesn't go anywhere, she just hopes for the best ... (woman, 34 years old).
32 wrote from the army to four girls, but not one of them waited for me (guy, 21 years old).
33 my boyfriend wanted to sleep with me. I didn’t like him very much, and I didn’t have another guy. I decided to stop him from sleeping with me and splashed hot coffee on him in one place, but that doesn’t really bother them ... (girl, 18 years old).
34 men do not know how to care, and all the time they call to bed. I can’t do it right away: I need to find out everything about each other and pronounce the words of cherished love ... (woman, 63 years old).
35 according to my personal observations, blondes in bed gently sigh, brunettes moan, and brown-haired women are silent like fish and only goggle at the fisherman ... (man, 29 years old).
* ... caught her younger ten-year-old brother with his classmate. They put on a stopwatch for a while and took off condoms ... on a rolling pin ...
(girl, 25 years old).
* ... sometimes she wants to get married so much that it seems she would marry a janitor ...
(woman, 46 years old).
* ... I am outraged by the ads from the suckers "looking for wealthy older women. Yes, if I had money" I would have bought such a seasoned male, "but it’s better to have a fur coat ...
(female "30 years old).
* ... before the wedding, I had never seen my husband’s pussy, but in vain, I would have thought: should I marry this fishing hook ...
(woman, 37 years old).
* ... I slept somehow out of stupidity with one "new Russian". There was nothing in his apartment. And his toilet finished me off: for the first time in my life I saw a toilet with a silencer ...
(woman, 35 years old).
* ... he sent me in a letter a photograph of his handsome brother, and he came on a date himself ...
(girl, 16 years old).
* ... my husband did not agree on a child for a long time. I took a thin needle and pierced several condoms right through the packaging ... Now we have a wonderful boy Seryozha ...
(woman, 29 years old).
* ... what is the most difficult thing when having sex in a hammock? Right, the hardest thing is to undress ...
(woman, 34 years old).
* ... my adventure was a long time ago. I don’t remember what was and what was not
(woman, 61 years old).
* ... in our village, the main concern in the herd is a very preoccupied bull. Well, he would molest the cows, and he wouldn’t give the milkmaids any more ... But women in the village are not spoiled by men now, and in this whole village only this bull does not drink vodka. I don’t know what it will be called scientifically, but it seems to me that this bull will succeed ...
(woman, 44 years old).
* ... I have been working in a commercial stall for a long time and watch how men buy condoms. If she buys a pack of condoms and chocolate, she goes to her mistress, if she takes a pack of condoms and cigarettes, she goes to her wife, if she buys only condoms, she doesn't go anywhere, she just hopes for the best ...
(woman, 34 years old).
* ... wrote from the army to four girls, but not one of them waited for me
(guy, 21 years old).
* ... my boyfriend wanted to sleep with me. I didn’t like him very much, and I didn’t have another guy. I decided to stop him from sleeping with me and splashed hot coffee on him in one place, but that doesn’t really bother them ...
(girl, 18 years old).
* ... men do not know how to care, and all the time they call to bed. I can’t do it right away: I need to know everything about each other and say the words of cherished love ...
(woman "63 years old).
* ... according to my personal observations, blondes in bed sigh gently, brunettes moan, and brown-haired women are silent like fish and just goggle at the fisherman ...
(man, 29 years old).
* ... I met through a newspaper with a crane operator. She just fell off the crane. We didn’t have time to say a few words, “as I already started talking about marriage ...
(male "34 years old).
* ... I have already been on six dates, but haven’t given anyone yet (guy, 15 years old).
* ... found out that my best friend sometimes sleeps with my wife. We took two “cans” for a man’s conversation and agreed that he gives me a power of attorney to ride his “Lada”, and I do not interfere with him walking with my wife ...
(man, 41 years old).
* ... has always been an honest wife, without any adventures. And after the divorce, my ex-husband offered me good material support if I became his mistress. I thought and agreed: as a man he is very good. But she soon realized that this was not for me. Refused the role of a kept woman ...
(woman, 34 years old).
* ... I want to tell you one of our family history. I am married (in every way). By the nature of his activity, the husband is often absent from the city. I am an attractive woman, many pay attention to me and even try to get acquainted. But, fortunately, in my disposition of character, I am a one-man woman. I just love my husband. Therefore, I never change. And then one day, on my birthday, my husband gave me an amazing gift. He gave me a vibrator, i.e. artificial member. A day later, my husband left, and out of curiosity I decided to try this toy. I liked it so much that I even slept with him in an embrace. Three weeks later, my husband arrived. Looking at me, he somehow immediately felt a change in me. I didn’t cool down to him, but there was no longer that sexual excitement with which I had met him before. All powers were given to the artificial. The husband even became a little jealous. I told him: "Why bought then?" And he: "I did not think that you are such a maniac." A maniac is not a maniac, but I don’t run around other men. So a little and quarreled with him. The vibrator, of course, he did not take from me. And leaving, he again said: "Use your mind and do not forget me." Like this!
* ... if I want to sleep with a decent man, "I do it this way: I drink 5 grams of vodka (for smell) and I go out in a strange area after 22 hours. I pretend to be dead drunk by a woman" staggering "at the corners of houses or trees. .. There will always be an intelligent man "who will pick up a defenseless woman and" taking advantage of her insane state "will do his dirty deed. Decent men are especially greedy on the street for drunken women. But decent interfere with gluing homeless people and binges. They also stick to my "drunk" person and offer to lead to the basement. I have one sure remedy from them: I am whispering in my ear "that I have AIDS," but sweet as "Bounty." Understand "sympathize, and quickly run away from me.
* ... it was my wife and I announced the exchange of wives for the night. I am writing, as promised, the very first and, I hope, our only adventure. They decided to exchange their wives at exactly 6 p.m., that is, my wife went straight to work to sleep with a stranger, and the wife of this guy came to sleep at my house at the same time. We had dinner and, as we could, talked: the conversation did not go wild - both in tension. I managed to notice that my wife cooks and cleans dishes better. And another woman’s wife doesn’t know how to make tea at all - they drank slops ... They sat on the TV. The thoughts are not about that: I look at the screen and I don’t understand a damn thing. We went to bed early. Sex finished in 10 minutes. We lie down, and both do not want to. Chatted in the dark. It became boring. They turned on the light, took a book and began to read. I feel like a complete idiot: I’m lying next to a beautiful and naked lover and reading a detective story, and she is reading a female novel. I read until two at night, she read up to an hour.
In the morning, she forgot during the time to turn off the gas under the pan, under the coffee pot and burned the iron. I forgot to kiss her goodbye and breathed a sigh of relief when she got off to work. As he got to work, he immediately called his own wife and sarcastically inquired at what time of the night they were reading fiction. The wife already choked with surprise: "How do you know?"
More wives we will not change. It is necessary to fornication slowly and little by little so that there is not enough time for reading books.
* ... my husband was in the next departure, and I invited my already lover to my order. I’m lying under it, mortal boredom, and suddenly a long-distance call from my husband. At first I wanted to drive my lover off, but then I decided to let her hang out.
I pick up the phone and joyfully greet my husband. He dumps on me a marital set of diminutive and affectionate words, trifling news and other trifles. Suddenly I feel: a lover woke up on me and quite successfully, he began to make me very pleased. Naturally, I tensed up and answered him with good for good. My voice begins to tremble, and the husband at the other end of the wire worries, asks: am I healthy, has anything happened? At that very moment it happened, and then again it happened. I answer my husband with a stranger, in a wooden voice. Well, the lover is furious from an unusual situation, feels like a real Tarzan on me, wheezing about love. I cover his mouth with one hand, I barely hold the second pipe, and I don’t know where my legs are. In five minutes of long-distance conversation - three times was good! A week later, I repeated this experiment already intentionally. She called from her lover's arms to her husband for work. About thirty minutes, he discussed with him the upcoming purchases and repairs of our apartment, and at this time I did this with my lover. I was twirled and shifted by all the rules of a successful love date. It is especially easy to lie on your stomach, wave legs and beg for a new coat from your husband. But I didn’t calm down on that either. I insisted, and the lover called his wife, and I did my best to interfere with him. Oh, how sweet I disturbed him! He endured everything. Since then, it seems to me that every second husband calls home about a delay from work, without getting off at the same time from his secretary. Guys are shameless since birth ...
We called at such piquant minutes and my best friend. I confessed to her what I was doing at that moment. She started up so much that she began to give us advice and decided to organize the first sexual teleconference in the city: she with her lover and telephone, and I with her lover and telephone.
Men think that only they can want sex spontaneously, passionately, irresistibly - here and now! And we, women, they say, beings are sane, cautious, alien to recklessness, and sex for us is associated only with bed. Oh well…
The philosophy of extreme sex is multifaceted. At its core is not just the need to tickle your nerves. It includes the receipt of extreme thrills, and the desire to balance on the verge of the impossible, and the need to achieve the highest orgasm. But - the most important thing! Extreme sex is a challenge to everyday life, tradition, habit, it is a way to maintain a heightened sense of life in general, to let the very ultimate freedom manifest itself when spitting on everyone and everything, when “to hell with common sense”, when you release sexual energy - and there is nothing higher than feelings!
And what, you men are seriously convinced that such a state is alien to women, such feelings are indifferent, such circumstances are not seductive ?! You probably think that only rare atypical women - lecherous beasts, insatiable nympho-girls, violent lovers - crave sexual extreme and always readily whisper: "Take me right here!" Again I want to say: "Well, well ..."
I have every reason to say: such women are not uncommon. Firstly, I myself have repeatedly turned out to be an accidental witness to sex extreme with the participation of such ladies, who in no way you would suspect (and, of course, had to leave the scene unnoticed). Secondly, I myself, after all, am a woman, and even kept a secret over a glass of “Martini” with my friends - quite moral, moral, decent people ... As a result, I became the owner of a certain number of female revelations about extreme sex. I will cite only those who particularly struck me (in my artistic treatment, of course - excuse me).
Jeanne, 27 years old
“I was returning from the Far East, where I was staying with relatives. First, I had to fly 10 hours by plane to Moscow, then go by train to Dnepropetrovsk. A nice young man appeared on the plane as my neighbor. We met. His name was Artem. He was a Muscovite, worked as a commercial He was a director at a large factory and was returning home from a business trip. A pregnant wife and a 3-year-old son were waiting for him at home. But no one was waiting for me at that time, I was divorced from my husband at that time. During the flight, we talked with pleasure on a variety of topics. Conversation It took shape by itself, at ease, and you know how it sometimes happens: when you meet a stranger, you start talking to him, and soon it seems that you seem to know him a long time ago, but the farther, the more I felt that we They are interesting to each other not only as interlocutors.
Arthur definitely attracted me, and I was also attracted by his gaze, and the timbre of his voice, and his invisible masculine energy. And suddenly ... Arthur put his palm on mine. We both froze and exchanged glances. Now there was no doubt that something had arisen between us. An awkward silence fell. And just one thought was spinning in my head: “Why all this? Why is it necessary? This story cannot be continued. So why then, I really want it, as if this is the most important meeting of my life ?!” Perhaps Arthur was thinking the same thing. The awareness that there are no answers to these questions, and after a couple of hours the flight will end, and we part forever - exacerbated perception. And no longer able to withstand this painful tension, I got up and went to the toilet cubicle. I can’t say, I supposed, how it will end or not, there were so many things in me that it’s hard to evaluate everything correctly. When I went into the booth, Arthur was already there. He pushed me inside and closed the doors.
Everything that happened next was like a movie scrolled at crazy speed. We were pressed to each other, squeezed by a bunch of circumstances and limited to everything that was possible. And the space of a tight toilet cubicle, and the time that could be expected in these conditions, and the neighborhood of strangers, outsiders, extra people who can at any moment become witnesses of what is happening. But we were here and not here. We flew at an altitude of almost 10,000 meters, not only on the wings of an airplane, we flew on the wings (clouds, winds, streams) of a wild sexual revelation that connected us so suddenly and so quickly tearing us out of everyday life. Too poetic? Of course! But in this random sex there really was something poetically unearthly, as if height and, truth, contributed to something like that. And the rest of the prose was imprinted very schematically in our memory: we landed, the flight ended, we never saw each other again - that’s all.
By the way, maybe that is why this episode retained all its poetry in memories. "Inna, 35 years old
“Gena and I worked together, and always sympathized with each other. But we did not allow anything more than an innocent flirtation. He had a family, and so did I. We knew that both of our families were full of problems, and they had happy marriages you can’t name it, but somehow it’s like children, habit, fear of the new ... And we continued to live, keeping marriages, endured and forgiven. And to become lovers we were uncomfortable. And it went off somehow seemed to continue the chain of numerous office novels. in the summer, our company (not the first time, by the way) organized a corporate trip d to nature, specially ordering a bus for this. We were brought to a very picturesque meadow in a pine forest by the river. All day we sunbathed, swam, held competitions in swimming distance, played volleyball, cards, ate, drank. In general, we rested on the full program, and in the evening - a bonfire, barbecue, guitar ... And, alas, just before they left, everyone had a sad feeling of frustration because everything good, non-artistic, filled with sincerity and desires, rather than duty and necessity, ended so quickly.
When the bus drove us back to the city, everyone was silent, reluctantly returning to the usual, from which they left only in the morning. For some reason, the usual bitterness of the end was felt especially vile for some reason. And here at the entrance to the city the bus flashed, and then completely broke. And we all now had to get home on our own. And then Gene suddenly came up to me and offered to accompany me. At that moment, I still did not have time to realize the coincidence of all these events. Gene caught a taxi, and for the first time since we met, we were left alone (the driver doesn’t count). We sat in the darkened cabin so close that we felt the warmth of our bodies, the sound of hearts, and the breath of each other. And when we were already approaching my house, Gene suddenly said: “Look, how many stars are there today! I wish I could climb the roof now. Are you in a hurry?” Well, of course, I was in no hurry, to be honest, I didn’t feel like returning home, even though my daughter was waiting for me there.
We let go of the taxi, and quickly turned to the nearest nine-story building. According to the law of meanness, the exit to the roof in it was closed. We went into three more houses, and only in the next,
the fifth building, the sunroof was not locked. But if there was a padlock there, we would probably risk being heard by our neighbors, tear it to hell, and still break through to the roof. And, of course, not the stars so beckoned us upstairs. Whom to say - they will not believe! Two held people, not already young, acquaintances, climbed the roof of a high-rise building for several days to open themselves to each other, surrender and, finally, make each other happy! Well, not crazy! And who knows, if it weren’t for this trip, if the bus hadn’t broken down, if there weren’t any stars in the sky that night, how would everything be ?! ”Inna and Gena are now together and raising a common daughter.Vera, 43 years old
“Sergei and I have been married for 20 years. We have two adult sons. And everything is fine with us. Well, that is, of course, we quarrel periodically, not without it, but in general - none of us have ever regretted that we are together, and in a sexual sense, everything is fine with us too. It is clear that there is no longer such gluttony as the first years, but I can’t even say that sex has simply become a measured, obligatory habit. there is passion in our relationship, but without madness, but once ...
Sergey received another award at work, and offered to buy me any special luxurious evening gown for all the money. The fact that Sergei wanted to participate in choosing a dress was unexpected and pleasant (he hates any shopping, especially in the women's departments). We went to the store. I walked around the hall for a long time, trying on one thing, another, then a third dress. Sergey patiently looked, evaluated and said: “Well, that’s it. Nothing ...”, which meant: “Nothing special, but if you like ...” And suddenly we saw this dress. Dark blue with rhinestones, with a beautiful neckline and a high cut - it looked very sexy even on an inanimate mannequin.
Both of us immediately liked the dress, each of us looked at it and already imagined in it mentally: I - myself, he - me. Finally Sergey said: “You will be very seductive in him!” And then I, I don’t know why, looked around coquettishly and asked: "So all men will want me! What will you do then ?!" Sergei looked at me mysteriously and suddenly suggested: "Well,
Let's go to the fitting room! Let's see! "I still didn’t quite understand his intentions, I agreed. Sergey asked:“ Maybe you can immediately pick up the clothes and shoes for the dress. ”I did so. We went into the dressing room. But I did not have time to take off my clothes ...Such as in the fitting room, Sergei and I have not had a marriage for all 20 years. Moreover, such shamelessness (well, the staff, probably, could hear and guess what we are doing), and this for no reason, for nothing, and such an instant, impromptu orgasm. Then, of course, without measuring anything, we simply left the fitting room. And while Sergey was paying, and while we were making a purchase, I kept peering into the faces of the staff, trying to guess "know - don't know." In the end, I still thought they knew. And then I unexpectedly felt no shame. On the contrary, I caught myself that I am pleased to see the curious, surprised looks of sellers scurrying around us.
And I could hardly restrain myself so as not to scream out loud that this was not a lover, but my legal husband, and we have 20 years of marriage behind us. I didn’t say, of course. But with all her appearance, as she could, she demonstrated. And now every time I put on this dress, Sergey ... In general, we now have an incredible effort not to be late for the party that I am going to go to in this dress. "
Remember the joke? A couple makes love on the railroad tracks. A train flies right at them and miraculously manages to brake. An angry engineer jumps out of the engine. A man breaks away from his lady and tells the driver: "Sorry, friend! One of us had to slow down. I could not!"
Lord gentlemen! Do not flatter yourself - brakes fail not only to a strong floor. In the life of every woman (even a very modest outwardly), some unexpected sexual obsession necessarily happened when there was no brake, well, no way! And if it has not happened yet, it can happen - it is only a matter of time. Sexual recklessness is akin to a volcano: it sleeps for a long time, not appearing outside, but it is worthwhile to wake it up accidentally and then, as in the song - "The heart dies in the fire-breathing lava of love!"
